Topher Time: The Grass, Is It Always Greener On The Other Side?

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The Color Of Envy
by Ethan Gray

They say grass is always greener on the other side. Greener when you're single, greener when you're married. Thing is, no one tells you how much work it takes to get it that green, not to mention the stench of the manure needed to keep it that way.

After five long, entirely inexplicable years of bachelorhood, I can say there’s nothing about being single that’s enviable. Not the meaningless sex, not the deafening quiet of an empty house or the constant worry of catching something, even when using extra-strength condoms. Beige should be the color of envy, not green.

But every once in a while comes a moment that reminds you of why colors like fuchsia exist. When you realize it's nice where you are, on your side of the fence, having no one to answer to but your conscience. A moment of fun that lingers in your mind like a teenager outside a convenience store....

.... Almost everything in life has a color. Red's for warning, fear is yellow. Death, black and white's pure. Why is envy green, I don’t know. Maybe it’s ‘cause they say the grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe it's 'cause beige sometimes don't work. Maybe it’s ‘cause hot pink is just too gay. (Shades of Gray 29 Sept 06)